British Telecom & Alices Restaurant

First, I must apologise for being absent from my blog for so long. For the past several months, we’ve been occupied with house moving, and though I can’t say it was tough, I can’t say it’s easy to move after 12 years in the same central Lyme flat. Now we’ve moved and settled in, the dust is clearing, both from our possessions and our minds, and we are now ready to face another great year in Lyme Regis. We spent most of January clearing up our lives, and moved at the beginning of February. Only dark spot in the whole thing was British Telecom, who failed to read our instructions and left us disconnected from the world until almost the end of the month. As you can understand, this has meant a delay both in creating programmes and uploading them to the site, I got so mad during it, I wrote this diatribe to BT, which I already circulated pretty widely by email, so you might as well enjoy the benefit also…

British Telecom(A Parody by Nomad, with apologies to Arlo Guthrie and ‘Alices Restaurant’)
This song is called Mary’s New Home, and it's about Mary, and her new home, but Mary’s New Home is not the name of Mary’s new home, it's the name of the song, and that's why I called this song Mary’s New Home.

You can get anything you want at British Telecom.

You can get anything you want at British Telecom.

Phone ‘em up they’re in Bangalore,

Twenty thousand miles from your new front door.

You can get anything you want at British Telecom.

Now it all started two months ago it's on two months ago at Christmas when my friend Mary got the news that she could move into her new home, which happens to be just around the corner from the place she lives in now with her partner Nomad and a highly trained vicious Ninja killer parrot known as Bubble. After visiting the new place, she decided that the move would happen at the end of January. Being as she was leaving the old place, and seeing as it was close by, she decided to take her phone number with her and phoned BT who said on their website, ring this number and have your phone put in at your new address, including Broadband connection. Just phone 0800 800 150, and one call does it all. Took us awhile to get through, and we had a lot of fun getting the right Press One, or Press Two, Three, and even Four, until finally getting a text message saying your phone will be connected on your moving day. Afer having an Indian Dinner that couldn’t be beat, we went to bed tired but happy and didn’t get up until the following morning. Well moving day came round, and using a pick up truck, two estate cars and a saloon car, we loaded 127 cardboard boxes, furniture, clothes, computers and a washing machine, and each vehicle making 3 trips, we set off making the whole move by 3.30pm in the afternoon. Was a nice day, the sun shone, and we opened a bottle of wine and toasted the weather after everything was moved. After having an Indian Dinner that couldn’t be beat, we went to bed tired but happy and didn’t get up until the following morning

But that’s not what I came to tell you about. I came to talk about BT…… We picked up the phone and sure enough there was a dialling tone, so we waited for BT to connect the Broadband, and for the phone to ring. Mary noticed, (remember Mary? It’s a song about Mary), that no one was phoning her, which isn’t usual, Mary being a very popular person, having a job and all and a lot of friends. I picked up the phone, dialed 0800 800 150, and fixing on the nature of my enquiry, pressed 2. After pressing two, I had to press 1, 2, 3 or 4. I pressed 2, and then had to tap in the full phone number, which I did when a nice lady with a Scots voice said, “I am sorry, I can’t find any information about this number”, and hung up. I was hung up about this, and dialled again, pressing two for the nature of my enquiry, and this time pressing 3. A nice man with an Indian accent asked how he could help me. After getting all the details down, the guy, in Indian guy, speaking in a French accent to an English person, said…..”Are you satisfied sir with my service to you, the way I’ve dealt with your query?”....and I proceeded to tell him the story of the 127 cardboard boxes, the furniture, clothes, computers and washing machine, adding the pick up truck, two estate cars and a saloon, and reminded him that Mary still didn’t have a phone connection, or internet, but that he had been very polite and very helpful. He smiled all the way from India and told me, with triumph in his voices that the phone would be on in 3 working days. I reminded him that that’s exactly what the last operator said, and he said no worries this time, this is all in hand and now in progress. I accepted his reply, and feeling hung up, I hung up.

3 working days later, and still not having the phone connected, I called Mary’s number and a nice English lady informed me that I had dialled incorrectly and should try again. Understanding immediately that the phone was still not connected I phoned BT again at 0800 800 150. The nice Scottish lady answered the phone and said, depending on your enquiry, press one or two, and when that is done, depending on the nature of your enquiry, press 1, 2, 3, or 4. I pressed Three and waited for a while until a man with a nice Indian accent called Akit asked how he could help me. I proceeded to tell him the story of the 127 cardboard boxes, the furniture, clothes, computers and washing machine, including the pick up truck, two estate cars and a saloon, each making 3 trips in all, and he said, very good sir but how can I help you. I proceeded to tell him the story of my 7 previous calls to BT, the buttons I pressed, and how long it took and that Mary’s phone was still not connected, and he said, “Sir, your phone IS connected”. I told him it wasn’t, and I tried to phone it and it didn’t ring, and he said “Sir! Stop it right there!”, and said “Sir, we have given you a new number!”……I proceeded to tell him the story about how Mary was only moving round the corner, and reminded him that the number, don’t forget the number, it’s coming round again, 0800 800 150 would move the phone number and Broadband all in one go, and seeing as it was just around the corner, a new number wasn’t necessary. He told me that wheels were already in motion, and in 5 working days, Marys phone would be active with her original phone number.

I reminded him that I was told that 3 days ago, and the 3 days before that, and time seemed to be increasing instead of decreasing, and I couldn’t help it, I began to raise my voice a little, telling him that he didn’t seem to be listening to my problem, he told me then that I was not listening to his helpful advice, and that the answer was always 3 to 5 working days. I asked him to repeat back to me what my phone number was and what new address it should be connected to…and I realized I was listening to a stock question, asked at the end of each enquiry, in order to convince the caller that their problem was being dealt with, and that the answer to any question is always 3 working days. So, next time you call BT at 0800 800 150, see if YOU can find which button to press if all you want to hear is that the answer is always 3 working days. 3 days later and Mary still not connected, and the realization dawning that I was gonna have to go through the entire process again, I figured I needed some therapy, and called my psychiatrist. I was hungdown brungdown hungup and all kinds o' mean nasty ugly things, realizing I was never gonna get a phone or broadband, and I was stuck in the desperate cycle of phoning every 3 working days. And I walked in and sat down and said, “ Shrink, I wanna kill! I wanna I wanna kill.Kill. I wanna I wanna rip out telephone wires, I wanna tear BT phone operatives apart. I mean kill, kill,KILL,KILL." and I started jumpin’ up and down yelling KILL KILL, and he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling "KILL KILL",

When I went home, sat down and dialled 0800 800 150, I was good and ready and fired up. And I pressed 1’s 2’s and 3’,s until finally I was ear to ear with another BT operative somewhere very far away. Putting on my meanest most sinister voice I uttered quietly, “I’m recording this call for therapy purposes”, and then laid out the entire story of Mary’s New House, with three part harmony, full orchestration and feeling. Now friends, there was only one or two things the BT operative could’ve said and the first was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it , and the other thing was he could have said Mary’s phone would be connected in 3 to 5 working days, which is what we expected, but there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, “Sir, you have the wrong department, I am transferring you now”, I shouted out in pain and frustration, “I wanna make a complaint, and suddenly, everything went quiet in India, until Mozart came on the line, followed by what appeared to be the BT psychiatrist, saying, “How can I help you Sir”. In tears of despair, I told him the entire story, and he said, “Don’t worry Sir, I am writing down everything you say, I will put it in writing and send it to the Complaints Dept, you will receive a copy by email. “I HAVE NO PHONE OR BROADBAND SO HOW WILL I SEE WHAT YOU SEND ME!! “No problem Sir, Mary’s phone will be connected for certain in 3 to 5 working days”.
And that’s how it stands at present. Mary, (remember Mary? It’s a song about Mary) is still not connected. and the only reason I'm singing you this song now is cause you may knowsomebody in a similar situation, or, you may be in a similar situation, and if you’re in a situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's call BT wherever you are on 0800 800 150 and say, “You can get anything you want, at British Telecom, and hang up. You know, if one person, just one person does it, it might ring bells. And three people , three people, can you imagine, three people calling 0800 800 150, singing a bar of British Telecom, and asking if Mary’s phone is connected yet, they might think it’s an organization and start getting their act together. And can you imagine fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day calling 0800 800 150, singing a bar of British Telecom, and asking if Mary’s phone is online yet, friends they may thinks it's a movement. And that's what it is, the British Telecom Mary’s Phone Movement, and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar. With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and sing it when it does. Here it comes.
You can get anything you want, at British Telecom.
(excepting phone calls)
You can get anything you want, at British Telecom.
Phone ‘em up, they’re in Bangalore,
Twenty thousand miles from your new front door
You can get anything you want, at British Telecom,
(excepting broadband)
at British Telecom………..

I can now tell you that we are finally online and rolling towards a great year on LymeRegisRadio, with many changes to tell you about........